I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
