Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
