I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
