Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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