there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We had sex on a dog bed..
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
