I think I won the penis lottery.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
