carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
