i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
