the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
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I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
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My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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