Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
