omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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