I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
