Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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