he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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