I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
