I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
