Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
