Even the bartender felt bad for me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
