Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
