I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
