The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
