i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
