Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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