I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
