i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
