Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
