I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
