i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
