he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
3 2 1 whiskey
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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