Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
