u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
