it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
