I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
COCAINE IS GR8
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
