She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
