I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
