I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
