"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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