Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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