nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
