Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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