I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
