You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
