im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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