I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
