I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dick very happy bro
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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