i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
