Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
