I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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