I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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