Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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