but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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