My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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