So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
