Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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