Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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